Are you Tweeting mad?

Low Resolution Issues

For business marketing, Twitter is fun. There’s no denying it but can you get carried away and actually be tweeting mad? Here is a tongue in cheek guide, written for humour on how to do Twitter wrong...

Remove all personal interaction and have auto responders do all the work

"Thanks for the follow, I have followed you back" - said the Server Side Script

New followers should understand that you are very busy and should appreciate that the message and follow back they received from you was entirely automated, not because you were actually engaging with them. Taking the 'social' out of social media.

Focus on volume of Tweets, not quality or relevancy

"So you chose our services based on our recent Tweet bombardment? A wise decision."

Barrage your followers with Tweets every minute, every day. Forget about delivering relevant and quality updates, make your followers scroll through page after page of your endless Tweets because scrolling is fun.

#Hashtag any#thing, #for no reason at #all.

#consistencyisdead

Hashtags are a convenient way of grouping related Tweets together for people to join in the conversation, but why stop there? Think outside the box and place the hashtag anywhere in the update and on words with no relation to your tweet. Give your followers some laughs.

Voice controversial and unfitting opinions

This is what customers crave on Twitter, surely?

Businesses remaining neutral and distancing themselves from crude and offensive opinions on social media is old fashioned, why not let all your followers know your bitterness and how much you dislike things, your thoughts on red hot topics like religion and politics and really go out the way to offend those people who would otherwise buy from you. How can it possibly go wrong?

Treat total followers like top scores

'Most Followed' & 'Least Successful Twitter Account'

Don’t get caught up in building real, quality followers that will interact and nurture your social channels. Focus entirely on the total number and build a giant network of poor quality and fake followers. Success is secondary to top scores!

Don’t worry about spelling

"This chart doesn't use any of the difficult letters like Q or X"

Spelling requires time and in such a busy world, even the time to re-read 12 words is a luxury. Blast out your Tweets and move on. Make people decipher what you really meant instead of re-reading your Tweet prior to sending.

Re-Tweet... Everything

"Without this flurry of retweets, how would I ever keep up to date with feeds I don't want to follow?"

Stuck for things to say? Just re-tweet other feeds. Save your followers having to follow other users by delivering all their Tweets to them anyway.

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This blog is written by Paul Nimmo, a freelance website designer and photographer based in Kilmarnock, Ayrshire.

Click to find out more about my design & photography services.


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